Scotland, Uni, lovers, life changes and contentment.

So I got home on Friday from Scotland. Apart for the journeys, where my little helper, 'prescribed Valium' held my hand all the way, (ridiculous I know, but I find fast car journeys hard), the rest of the time was great.

The holiday mainly centred around LB who enjoyed the sunshine, the beach, the nature things we went to and the activities particularly aimed at little ones, like 'straw play' as opposed to the 'soft play' we townies indulge them in.

The first night we were there I sat alone in the magnificant lounge with high ceilings - must be 20 feet from floor to ceiling at least! - and almost felt like weeping when I realised how good it was that my life has moved on since I was there the year before and made such huge life changing decisions.

Looking back it was so good to move on from the platonic yet unhealthy and intense relationship I had with M. Resigning from the disability charity board and not doing the unpaid work I did for them, was the right decision too.

M and I were close friends but our friendship was not strong enough to survive my challenges to, and resignation from, the Board. I never really understood why he ended our friendship . Of course he's a man, and they are wired differently to women there's no doubt, so in some ways understanding isn't necessary, but i would've like to have known. So perhaps M couldn't forgive me because I resigned mid meeting and caused unnecessary melodrama and ripples? (not the best way to resign by any means). Maybe he felt personally let down, or that my challenges to the board were actually directed at him as Chair? I'll never know because he couldn't or wouldn't talk. A short time later, in fact 2 days before my Scottish holiday last year when he brought back my house keys and other things he'd borrowed, he called me a 'purist.' I think he probably said it as a negative thing, yet to this disability activist of some 30 years or so, it was, and is, the greatest compliment! So last Sunday evening, pondering briefly on the 'M-and -Board -O -Gate' I knew I'd made the right decision to move on. But it was far far harder at the time, as I was so emotionally 'invested' in the everything.

Yet this purist will always be passionate about disability equality issues even though last year I decided it wasn't right after all to set up another disability group for families with children with disabilities, which had been my intention when I left the other Board. The time was right to do something completely different, it was time for me to do something for me, especially after having 4+ years of concentrating on LB and all the things her disability needed. So I decided there and then, in the room with the magnificent high ceilings and vista, to widen my personal viewpoint and without further ado, sign up for Uni!

And there I was, 1 year on and 60 credits later, waiting to start the second year of my level one modules (I've allowed myself the luxury of studying part time). It's certainly an accomplishment and something I never thought would happen. Yet it's already changing my life! It was definitely right to choose to study. I am engrossed in it and I can't believe how much there is to learn and how Uni is a world within the world, yet continually impacts on the world.

Thankfully my confidence is returning after approx 5 years of living without it. I never thought it would come back. I can't tell you how good it feels to be the me I was before it was knocked out of me. In fact I'm not that me, I'm the me who has come out of the other side of all the traumas and very difficult times that happened to me during those times. The depression is still difficult on a regular basis, but manageable.

I haven't solved my weight problem yet.

I haven't sorted out my phobia of going in to hospital and getting my now enormous hernia repaired.

I was given an NHS electric wheelchair which has enabled me to get out and about on my own, using the bus, the tram and train! Independent am I! I can't tell you how it feels. I love it. I feel like the world is there for the taking!

I'm greening nicely - although there's never room for complacency. It feels good and is infectious too. I see others making small changes in their lives too and we all encourage each other. We need a green pandemic!

Many years ago, the hippy I am, wanted to live in an open relationship but even though some people I met said they believed or agreed with the idea they were either just playing at it, changed their minds or maybe it just meant little/nothing to them. Then in April I re-met John, a Green who also lives in Yorkshire. We became friends and to my utter surprise shortly after, started a relationship.

It's always been my ideal to be able to live with honesty and integrity in an open relationship, which nowadays seems fashionable to call Polyamory. John and I are in a relationship which is Polyamorous, or Poly, for short. It has been a huge relief to find someone who believes in and takes this seriously. His primary partner likes me too and we get on well. I know it's possible that some people may find my decision hard, but I need to be honest about who I am and how I want to live.

In the end, in a situation where if all those involved are open and honest, and can talk with each other about how they're feeling, even if they disagree at times, and no one is getting hurt - it works well. But I believe strongly that all involved have to understand, agree with and keep to the main 'rules or ideas' of behaviour, however formal that might seem. No doubt distress and pain would only follow a person who had their own 'rules and ideas' in contradiction to the others.

Just to be clear, I'm having a relationship with John, that involves John and me - no one else. John and I enjoy our gentle and happy relationship. It's good to spend time together talking, laughing, sharing ideas, thoughts, opinions, debating issues, loving and caring for each other, learning from each other, watching tv, having a meal and just being ourselves together. I respect our relationship and understand and feel happy about the context of it. The hippy I still am, is happy. All is good.

So last Sunday evening as I looked at the intricate plaster work on the magnificent high ceiling and for yet another time stared in awe at the power of the ocean, my eyes filled with tears because I felt a real contentment with my life (not all of it - but most of it). This feels something new to me and is a reflection of the journey my life continues to take

What a year!! It feels a little frightening to think what I might be writing next year, after my holiday in Scotland!.