Thoughts and Happenings.

I can't believe I haven't written on here for so long. It's been a hard few months beginning with, just before the semester started, Grandma Redwood dying. Death stinks. If there was one person I wanted to live forever it was her. She was only 92 and from my selfish view point, far too young to die. I loved her far more than I realised and I needed her wisdom and life spirit far more than I ever knew.

She worked for my mum when I was a child and was my second mum. My love for her was unquestionable. Her death still feels quite raw and she is on my mind daily as I think of her life and have sight of her home when taking LittleBoo to school. Many, many lovely memories fill my mind's eye, as I think of a woman who lived life with a most wicked and wonderful sense of humour and who cared for, and loved so many, but would never suffer fools gladly!

Of course there are many people I don't want to die, including myself, and around the time of Grandma's funeral I was being examined for problems with my colon. This resulted in a polyp being removed....hopefully benign, and the discovery of Inflammatory Bowel Disease, which I'm told is probably either Crohns Disease or Ulcerative Colitis. Only a week or so ago I received a letter to go and see the Consultant for the results of the biopsies in a few days. I'm pretty certain the polyp isn't anything to worry about and feel it'll be about this inflammatory stuff. I'm assuming I'll be given the correct 'label' and course of action. Either way I'll just get on with it, whatever it is!

John and I have had some major wobbles. We're still 'us', although we don't seem to be able to find much mutually free time. I love him to bits and he's important to me. There's no doubt he loves me too, but we're very different and because of the distance between us I think we've both fallen into the convenient trap of communicating via instant messaging, with all the lack of depth it presents. Instant messaging is one way to communicate but not a medium to cherish and nurture a relationship of significance, like long term primary or secondary Poly relationships.

Open relationships (or Polyamory - 'many loves' as it's often called nowadays) work well when they work well. And whilst I imagine, no one but game players would want poet Thom Gunn's description of a relationship in the poem Jamesian,

Jamesian. by Thom Gunn

'Their relationship consisted
In discussing if it existed.'


it seems that unless 'things' are TLCed, there is little difference from just having a non serious but friendly relationship, which is not where we believe we are/were at. Nevertheless we are both good people and neither of us goes around intentionally letting down or hurting anyone, least of all, each other.

But I do notice others around at Uni and in the other places my life takes me regularly. I never realised the capacity I actually have to potentially love, yet at the same time fear the very power of the capacity that creates the spark which can make me catch my breath.

I no longer seek another in the way the naivety of youth once persuaded or led me. The days seem too short and the nights long, yet filled with what I hope is creativity and the desire for eventual painless and restful sleep until passed dawn. If I connect with someone it's always unexpected. Yet it's likely I'll always be alone. How to explain this without cause to visit pity still baffles me, even after all these years.

I'm told by many that I am a lovely person and certainly as time has gone by I am far more content and peaceful than I ever expected. I know I think of my behaviour and its consequences on others. I also believe strongly in being positive about everything, yet gentle, where ever possible. Nowadays I don't seek others to fill the gaps in me, I know I'm the only one who can do that, if I want to be anything like real.

I've lived alone with the kids for so long now, I can't imagine living with a partner. It's not that I'm too long in the tooth, of course not! I'm always open to learn and experience more of this wonderful world we live in. But reality tells me that it is likely that most of my life I won't have that important and special connection and commitment with Mr or Ms Significant Other.

I guess it's quite sad really and at times has caused me sadness. But now I realise that I can give to others and impact on lives around me positively through the activities I'm involved with. Of course this isn't the same, but it's more than I realised and gives me many interesting and varied acquaintances and friends..... and often acquaintances who become friends!

I understand why it may be hard for others to move from being friends to being a boy/girlfriend, or even a partner, and I no longer feel the need to be critical. There is no doubt that my personal severity of disability impacts on life negatively as well. I'm slow and tired and achy. I'm supposed to nap in the afternoon for an hour (I ask you!!!! hahahaha) and I don't climb mountains or go dancing. What I eat ends up on my hips and I seem to drop everything I hold, but weight.

So I understand if someone needs something different. Why choose my road if other roads exist? It's OK.

TeenBoo was 18 on Friday! Unbelievable! He's also flown the nest and is grasping life with both hands, hopefully with lots of work, rest and play! It's strange not having his presence here and even stranger having a girly only household, but LittleBoo and I seem to like it so far.

Uni continues. One of this semesters modules seems naval gazing, but it's a core module so I go navel gazing once a week. I just have to get through the hoop and then I can leave it in the past - I hope. The other module is cool. I'm creating a film based on looking at the relationship between sound and image. The theme I've chosen is Life Before Death and it's my private dedication to celebrate Grandma Redwood's full and influential life. Like always there's never enough time. But I'm getting to grips with the software and as my tutor says trying not to let it intimidate me.

How do people live on long term benefits? Mine have reduced by what seems rather a lot after TeenBoo leaving. I'm readjusting slowing but with Christmas so near it's felt a bit difficult. Next year I will buy Christmas pressies each month and not be in this position. (I think I said that last year too!)

I feel rather overwhelmed by the 2 of us living in a 5 bedroomed house and so keep my eyes open for totally accessible social housing, or shared ownership stuff. It's not urgent of course, but it would be lovely to live somewhere where there are more people like me, and where the influences around us present positive living experiences - now that would be cool.

All in all, I'm happy and this afternoon we might get the Christmas tree up. But the toilets blocked again, it's 3 o clock, and I need to shower and dress first..... so we'll see!