Hard day, sad day.

Today I've cried a lot. It wasn't my intention, just haven't felt strong today.

Me and LittleBoo are both on antibiotics with ear infections. Hers in one ear, mine in both. We're both in pain and understandably not enjoying it.

Don't listen/watch the news much but today just listening to more Con Dem propaganda made me cry and feel utterly helpless to be able to change things. I honestly believe they have no idea of the harm they're doing. They really believe it's for the good. It just shows they don't have any idea about real people and what a struggle life is for so many - due to become an even harder, less tolerable struggle. I think it's beyond wicked. The country is turning so far to the right (as are some other European countries) there has to concern as to the Govt's future path and how it will affect the more vulnerable members of society.

TeenBoo is literally homeless today. I won't say much here other than we're talking about a very complex situation - so I'd prefer no judgmental emails. Dynamics are hard, life is complex and not straight forward. But maybe you can imagine how much my heart is broken? (I'm sure his is as well.) It has been very raw today.

Next is silly, organised my hair appointment online over the weekend for today, well I thought for today. It takes three hours altogether and I love having it done. In all the physical and emotional chaos of phone calls, manipulations, etc, today, it was my calm in a storm. My hairdresser is wonderful. An amazing gay man who has a doctorate in very important physics stuff and is into diversity, both in theory, but especially in practice, as much as me. I LOVE him running his fingers through my hair - so absolutely not sexual - just very lovely. And we have great conversations, none about holidays.

Anyhow I'd fucked up. My appt is for next Monday! How did I do that? He wasn't there. And he can't fit me in before then, as it takes about three hours (lots of running his fingers through my hair!) and there isn't a three hour slot that works with LittleBoo's care plan before then.

Went to the Info Commons and really wish they had an area just for mature students. They don't but I might suggest it. It sounds very separatist of me, but sometimes it is totally overwhelming being surrounded by hundreds of 18 - 21 year olds. It felt that way today.

I might also suggest an area for disabled adult personal care/changing. Took LittleBoo in the other day as I needed library books. Turned out she needed to be changed. There was nowhere, only the disabled toilets, which aren't roomy enough. What are they going to do when a disabled student needs this kind of facility? After all incontinence is not a reflection on intelligence. I think I'll write to the Vice Chancellor about this. It should exist in both this building and the Student's Union at the very least. Have to say I have little hope for success. It's considered so radical. How ridiculous. No wonder there aren't more severely disabled people visible in higher education.

Anyhow, strangely for me, I really didn't enjoy my time studying today. More private tears in front of the PC, pretending to read. Hopefully nobody noticed.

Met LittleBoo and carer in IC car park. I was greeted with the news Mrs L is leaving as she's got a new job at Hillsborough! Mrs L is Littleboo's head teacher. More tears. It's hard to explain, but I leave my daughter, who has v complex needs, in her care everyday. This woman has an excellent understanding of disability. I'm rarely concerned about LittleBoo, as under Mrs L, the staff are wonderful, and although they don't all understand a radical approach to disability, she gently distills her wisdom, without threatening anyone and they take it on board because after all diversity is just commonsense. This seems to me to represent society at it's best intended. But what will happen now? Her deputy will hopefully get the job. He's fab too and singled out in their Ofstead report for being a v important and positive energy within the school, which I would also agree with. I hope he gets it and isn't head hunted over to the new school. (They work so well together.)


Then there were various phone calls regarding TeenBoo. More tears.

Tea with LittleBoo in cafe (otherwise wouldn't have seen her today). Then over to class, 45 min early as she goes to Brownies with carer.

Sat at the desk alone reading, more tears. Composed myself and had a few more tears v.quietly and hopefully privately during the fucking class! I felt a fool. Something triggered it, I couldn't help it. I've NEVER done that before. Hope I never do it again either. Seems like nobody noticed, thank goodness.

Then got a text message from mate about being in my Uni film assignment. He's got a v busy lifestyle (like me, but for different reasons)and I realised the time he had available wasn't going to fit with what I'd planned to do. Oh fuck!!!! Or as the first line in Four weddings and Funeral says, 'Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!' Never mind, it happens. Things rarely turn out as planned. Guess what???!!! More tears.

What a day! I've been feeling so wobbly and PMTish. V low, worried, concerned, sad. I'm sure it's not the worse day going, they'll be plenty of others who've had worse. But it's a descriptive of how my depression can hit, unexpectedly. Feeling so low is frightening. I just wanted to drive off and never be found. I can never do that.

Disability is always individual and isolating. It's always hard to reach out when feeling like this. For years I thought I'd try and write down what such days are like. But I never managed. So I've succeeded in something today at least. And TeenBoo is sleeping at a friends tonight - thank goodness.